What is at the root of challenges and conflict with other people? (posted July 2017)
I was just having a conversation with my daughter about a sports team she is on. She was explaining how her teammates say they want feedback, but when people give it to them, some of them get mad and defensive. I asked her how does she define feedback? She recited a Webster dictionary definition. She is the type of person that wants to know what she is doing right or wrong and what she needs to do to improve. I asked her, do you need compliments and praises, she said no. She said she just wants to know what she is doing right so she can continue doing that and what isn’t right and how to improve. Next I asked her how do you think the other teammates are defining feedback?
My daughter said, there is only one definition of feedback. While I agree with her, I tell her that each person will be their own dictionary of what words mean. As our conversation continued my daughter said one teammate in particular said she wants feedback as a compliment sandwich. Most of the time however this teammate gets defensive, will not listen and walk away whenever anyone gives her feedback. My daughter had an “aha” moment and said, if I want to give Kayla feedback I have to give a compliment first, then the thing she needs to improve upon, followed up with another compliment.
When two or more people are working together and the definition of words, goals or expectations are not clearly outlined, where everyone is working from the same definition, then challenges and conflict will exist. I encourage you the next time you are having a challenge or conflict with someone, just start with getting a definition of what is at the crux of the conflict, in this example the crux was the word feedback.
Simply say…. (posted May 2017)
Simply say to your child. “You are an amazing person.”
Simply say to an employee or co-worker. “I really appreciate you.”
Simply say to your spouse. “I am so happy you are in my life on a daily basis.”
Simply say to your friend. “I am so grateful for our friendship.”
Simply say to a stranger. “Hello.”
Simply say to your boss. “Thank you for being a great manager.”
Simply say to someone you are in conflict with. “I am sorry we have our differences.”
Simply say to someone you don’t like. “I would like to be friends some day.”
Simply say to someone you are jealous of. “I am really happy for you.”
Simply say to someone you are mad at. “I am not mad at you, I am mad at the situation.”
What are you waiting for? (posted April 2017)
Over twenty years ago my husband at the time said he always wanted to be a veterinarian. I said OK. He said, but it will take over 7 years before I would graduate. I said, OK, so in seven years do you want to be called Dr. John Kokinos DVM or John Kokinos because either way seven years will pass it just depends on what you do between today and seven years from now. I am proud to say he is the most sought after equine lameness veterinarians on the east coast.
So what about you? What are you wanting to accomplish? But more importantly what is stopping you from accomplishing it? John had plenty of excuses and reasons why he couldn’t or shouldn’t go to vet school. Those excuses and reasons were then backed with a ton of behaviors that distracted him from taking action toward the desired result, being a veterinarian. You see long before I put my method of behavior coaching into a formalized training approach, The Empowerment Principles, I was already successful at helping not just my husband but a lot of other people. I personally rely upon The Empowerment Principles to help me at the times when by behaviors are not helping me get my desired results.
So where will you be one year from now? Still wishing you could achieve better health, a loving relationship, be a better parent, overcome a loss, get through a life transition, improve your finances, have a different career or will you be like the other individuals that learned The Empowerment Principles from me and are now in control of their behaviors? The choice is yours, but please remember if you don’t achieve, the only thing that stands in your way are your behaviors and I have a proven method that will help you sustainably change your behaviors so you can succeed at whatever results you desire.
Lunch Hour Therapy
The time of day when you and a friend nourish your hunger and replenish your depleted self confidence. Friends are great at listening and providing advice to help you get grounded when people and situations trigger you. However, most friends are not able to help you achieve sustainable grounding. They are not a trained professional at helping you identify nor eliminating your triggers.
And so the cycle of lunch hour therapy continues. You complain telling your friend all about the drama, they listen, give advice that you will never follow, then your friend shares their frustrations, you listen, give advice, wondering if this time they will follow it. You say your good byes feeling better for the time being. All the while you never identify the root of what triggers you or why are you feeling so un-empowered that someone else can control your reactions. What types of people and situations are triggering you? A parent told me that his three year old daughter knows how to push his buttons when she does not listen to him.
Is It What You Eat or Why You Eat
So many people get into the cycle of trying a variety of different approaches to lose weight and eat healthy. Everywhere you turn there are new supplements, packaged meals, menu plans, fitness plans, weight loss groups, even mindfulness eating, all that claim to be the answer to taking off weight and keeping it off.Yet the food pyramid has taught us since the age of 5 or 6 to eat in moderation, eat more fruits, veggies and whole grains. Eat more lean meats, limit meat, dairy, eggs and processed foods, use oil and sugar sparingly. Yet as adults we just don’t seem to be able to follow this simple pyramid. Instead we spend our hard earned money buying products and services that promise results. So why can’t we follow this basic pyramid, save our money, be healthier and improve our self image?The reason is, we eat to nurture ourselves. Food makes us feel better emotionally. So when we experience negative emotions like stress, frustration, sadness, fear, doubt, feeling like others are controlling us or we are being self critical, we reach for food. Food satisfies our pleasure receptors in our brain making us feel better temporarily. This nurturing is only a band-aid which causes us to ride the food roller-coaster.Learning to identify and eliminate the subconscious barriers that cause the negative emotions can bring about a sustainable approach to better health, improved self image and an overall happier life. What types of situations cause you to reach for food and what food do you tend to eat? A client told me when she gets stressed out about money she reaches for ice cream as her comfort food.
What Is Depression
Depression is an emotional response when we have lost the faith, trust and confidence in our ability to achieve the outcomes we desire. It can feel like we lost the direction of our destiny and that others or circumstances outside our control are running our life.
No one is immune to depression it can affect anyone, any age, any profession, any economic status.
Depression is not to be feared or disliked, instead it should be honored like a good friend reminding us that we drifted away from our desires.
Recipe For Antidepressant
1. When depression strikes set aside time to think about what is missing in your life or how others or other circumstances have caused you to drift from your desires.
2. Next, make a list of little things you can do to regain direction to your desires.
3. Pick one thing on the list that you can do right now.
4. Be patient with yourself, take little strides. This will help rebuild your self confidence, trust and faith in yourself.
5. Celebrate each time you take action toward your desires.
6. Repeat, repeat, repeat until you are back on the path of your desires.